Too Close
by okh-eshivar
Summary: I never answered you. Only giggled and called you morbid. But I thought. And my thought frightened me. I kneel over you, gathering you in my arms again. You don't fight this time. You can't. There is something wrong inside of you. Amanda/ Lara angst. r&r 3


_**A/N: The more I examine it, the more complex this relationship becomes. I really dig it :3 So here's some angsty stuff. I hope Amanda's not too out of character. **_

"_Lara. Lara, I can't sleep."_

Better days. Happier days. I miss them so much it's painful. It makes me crazy. It makes me do things. God, why does it all have to keep changing like this?

_"What's the matter? Another nightmare?" You touched my face, felt the wetness on my cheeks, and then you were wide awake suddenly. "Amanda? What's wrong?"_

Yes, Amanda. What is wrong? I clutch my head, dig my fingernails deep into my scalp. You're bleeding badly now. I don't think you can talk anymore. Your chest isn't moving the way it should be. Your eyes are fluttering. There is a lot of blood on you. On Me. Your blood. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

_"I...I'm afraid, Lara. And I don't know why. I keep having nightmares…"  
"It's alright, love. Come here." You hold me close. I bury myself in the soft contours of your warm body. The sleeping bag is tight, but we don't care. You don't care. Your breath is gentle, and you are asleep. And I am asleep. And we are together. And I am happy._

But now I am panicking. I did this to you. Why? I can't remember. My head is ringing. "Lara?" You were so warm, then. Now you're cold. Freezing. You grab my bare shoulder, and mutter something through the fluid in your lungs.  
_  
"Hurry, we're going to miss it!"  
You smiled at my enthusiasm, and it made me shiver with delight. I loved when you smiled at me. You were beautiful._

Now you are consumed by hatred. Anger. And you are tired; I can see it in your rich brown eyes. I have driven you too far. Avalon. Your mother. Your friends. Your family. Death follows you everywhere now. Maybe you're a little crazy too. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lara." I'm sobbing into the top of your head, my arms cradling your broken body, and I'm praying to a God I never believed in that you can hear me.

_"Easy, Amanda. It's deeper than it looks." You gently wrapped the ace bandage around my forearm.  
"I'll be fine. See, I can barely feel it!"  
You chuckled and gave me a quizzical look. "I don't think that's a good thing."  
"Relax, you harpy." More laughter.  
"Oh, bugger off."  
"I love how you say that. Bugg-ah. Bugg-AH. Say it again." I leaned in to you, coming closer. And you put a strong hand against my forehead, pulling me in the rest against your generous chest, and held in another rich chuckle. "Come off it! I'm self conscious, you know."_

I pushed you too far. And only now am I realizing that I could stab you, I could cut your beautiful body wide open, and you'd never stab me back. Even if you wanted to, you'd never really want to. Bitter nostalgia as I suddenly remember those memories of university days, wandering together, laughing together. I think I loved you. I think I hate myself. I think you're dying. I hold you closer. I cry into you.

_"Lara. Lara, I can't sleep."_

I can't sleep. Help me. I'm drowning. I'm helpless. It feels selfish. You sputter, turn your head and cough up more blood, more life.  
"Get...away from me..." you choke. And I sob harder. I'm so sorry. I'm so tired of being alone. So tired. Tired. I can't sleep. Not without you. I made a mistake. So many mistakes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm muttering the phrase over and over again, as if it would heal you just to hear me say it. You push me away; I had forgotten how strong you are. Headstrong. I lose my grip, and you roll a few feet, curled into yourself, gasping for breath.  
"I...let me help you..." I try to touch you again, but you flinch away.

_"This isn't weird, is it?"  
"Of course not." You tangled your fingers in my short, platinum hair affectionately. "We're simply looking out for each other." You noticed a man was staring at us, and you took the opportunity to pull me in at the waist and kiss me carefully on the cheek, lingering seconds longer than friends ought to. I blushed feverishly at the motion.  
"That man had his eye on us. I was just letting him know we aren't interested."  
I smiled at you, glanced around the room, and to your utter surprise took you in and pressed my lips against yours a bit too passionately, a bit too forth comingly. We broke apart, and I smiled.  
"He was still looking." Your face was as red as mine, but you chuckled in that way you did and popped me in the shoulder. I laughed without regret. _

I think I loved you. In love. What has become of us? How did we get here? I am lost. But so are you. (You'll never admit it to anyone.) The person you used to be, is there anything left of her? Have I helped strip you of everything, blinded by the pain of misunderstood betrayal? My chest is on fire. I can't run this time.  
And suddenly I realize you have nothing left. And I am getting there.  
I am sprinting for that dark, abysmal place, too fast to stop.

_"I wonder if I'll die on the job."  
"What? How grim! Don't say such awful things."  
"Sorry, just pondering." you sipped our coffee. "But we're in a dangerous line of work. It isn't mad to think of it."  
I looked you dead in the eyes. "You won't die, Lara. Cause I'll be there, carrying your sorry butt back to civilization."  
That smile again. "Oh, will you now?"  
"Yup."  
"So what will you do if I die in your arms?"_

I never answered you. Only giggled and called you morbid. But I thought. And my thought frightened me. I kneel over you, gathering you in my arms again. You don't fight this time. You can't. There is something wrong inside of you. Something stronger than you. Something stronger than me. God, you were always so much stronger than me.  
"I..." You struggle with your tongue. "I'm sorry...I left you..."  
I feel my eyes grow wide. What? "In Paraiso, I..." Tears are pushing over your eyelids. "...I wasn't...strong enough. I never...forgave myself...I searched for days, weeks...I never meant...for any of this...I'm sorry."  
Stop it. Please, God, please stop talking like this. It hurts too much, my body feels as if it is about to burst at my seams. My lungs are clenching up, and something within me aches desperately, painfully.  
"Do you remember...how close we were? Joined at the hip..." Your anguish is obvious now. You inhale roughly through your nose, swallowing the blood in your throat. But you nod. And a different kind of pain floods your eyes.  
"All those times I woke you up in Anaya's tent? When I couldn't sleep, you'd stay up with me. Or at parties, we'd pretend to be a couple so none of the guys would hit on us. Remember?" And then you smile at me for the first time in so many years. But it isn't the same. You aren't the same. It is a reflection of you, twisted, grim, painful. Hurt. Wilting. Dying.  
Please don't die. I need to tell you...

_"You never answered that question, Amanda."_

But suddenly you go limp in my embrace. Your head lulls backward, your fists uncurl. Your chest exhales, frozen. And your eyes, soft brown, green rings, flutter once and fall closed.  
And suddenly, I am alone.

_"What would you do if I died in your arms?"_

I hold you closer. So close. Your body is stiffening. Rigor mortis. You taught me that. I hate you.  
I love you.  
I loved you. I never got to tell you that. But sometimes you'd smile at me certain way, or you'd catch me staring at you a certain way. Maybe you knew. But it doesn't matter.  
Not anymore.  
I touch the gun in the holster at your side. It still glistens in the sting of the snow whipping around us. Me. You're not here anymore.  
I hold the weapon in one hand, the woman I have loved and hated in the other.  
And now I have nothing. Nothing to love. Nothing to hate.  
And I laugh. I'm so tired of this life.  
The barrel is cold against my temple.  
The sound is muted, and the abyss I've hurling towards since our separation rushes up to meet me.

_'I would blow my brains out. I love you. And I would never forgive myself.'_


End file.
